


i'm so certain i can cope with this hurt

by unsaved_misc



Series: epicsmp [2]
Category: Epicsmp - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anger, EpicSMP, Friendship, Gen, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, Loneliness, Near Death Experiences, Recovery, Thunder and Lightning, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:21:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29656785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaved_misc/pseuds/unsaved_misc
Summary: rav tried his best to continue whatever it was he was doing and keep his composure but it was difficult, his hands trembling and his chest feeling like it was caving in. right now, he felt pretty close to crumbling, taking in small, tight breaths through his nose and out through his mouth, just focused on getting home.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: epicsmp [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179239
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	i'm so certain i can cope with this hurt

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy another sad epicsmp fic look at me go!! i hope u enjoy this one, was loosely based off a stream from a few weeks ago :)

rav was struggling to find flowers that weren’t red or white. he’d been searching for the past two days, scaling mountains and hills, traveling through grassy fields and examining the surroundings, sighing in disappointment when he didn’t see anything new. rav knew it was a bad idea to go far, knowing it would be difficult to find his way home with his bad sense of direction, but he wasn’t finding much in the small vicinity.

every now and then, rav would discover a plot of land industrialized yet left behind, taking up useless space. rav scoffed at where it stood, some leftover machine or structure, how humans had just razed the land like it was their own. rav never used to be bothered by what humans did with the overworld, seeing how it was a place he didn’t prefer to be, but he’d started to pick up on how harmful and clogging it was, not to mention his previous house being destroyed. he came home to his tower, cradled in the crook between two mountains, ransacked and flooded. someone had struck a water deposit, flowing over the rooftop and leaking through the ceiling. his chest of drawers was knocked aside, papers and materials flung across the ground. 

he was so angry he could’ve screamed, but instead, he just kept his composure and walked away to find a new home. but really, was it a home or just a  _ house _ ? nothing felt like home to him. home was somewhere you went to recuperate and feel safe, a place you could retreat to when you needed to feel better. rav didn’t have that.

the nether was  _ far  _ from a home to him, a place he was familiar with but terrified by. he had ross’s house, but that was the problem: it was  _ ross’s _ , not his. and, to be honest, rav hadn’t seen ross in two weeks. or had it been three? he stopped what he was doing currently, plucking from a section of daisies, blinking and trying to think back to the last time he’d talked to anyone. the fact that he couldn’t remember was worrying, making a part of him ache, afraid. had everyone forgotten about him? had they finally decided to shut him out? 

he stops picking flowers, putting them into his bag and beginning the journey back home. he can see storm clouds brewing above him, grey and rumbling, and it’s a good enough sign to head back to the brothspital anyway. it’s too late to shut out his thoughts now, fumbling with the bandages around his arms. he has a mixed memory of interactions, little talks scattered in his brain in a nonlinear timeline. don had sent him a letter some time ago, asking if he was okay. considerate, creative don, a friend rav wasn’t grateful enough to have. he sent back a note saying he was fine with a little smiley face, despite it being a total and utter lie. 

he can’t remember when he sent the letter, when he received it. it couldn’t have been a week ago, could it? the last time he spoke to ross was before he was going out on a trip to the mountains, far off in the distance, snow-capped and daunting. he can still remember how tightly he hugged ross before he left, breathing in the smell of coalfire and cinnamon. he felt his throat starting to grow tight as he walked, swallowing hard, scrubbing at his eye-mouths and trying not to cry. he didn’t know why this worked him up so much. 

rav was an introvert, someone that could spend a chunk of time on his own and not feel lonely or sad, and he honestly enjoyed the quiet time he had. when he was building or collecting materials, mindless tasks he could do without thinking much, he was distracted and content and didn’t have to deal with his emotions. it was easy. but rav didn’t always have tasks, was left alone with his thoughts for long periods of time. it happened whenever he least expected it, fishing for food or cooking something up, rowing his boat and falling into the rhythmic motion of the oars. he would have a sort of flashback, or a one sentence thought crafted up purely just to upset him, crawling from the deep recesses of his mind. it could range from anything, akin to how lonely he was or how nobody ever reached out to him first or even memories from the nether. there were some he held onto, remembered vividly, and others that he thought he’d had blocked out, jumping on him like prey. rav tried his best to continue whatever it was he was doing and keep his composure but it was difficult, his hands trembling and his chest feeling like it was caving in. right now, he felt pretty close to crumbling, taking in small, tight breaths through his nose and out through his mouth, just focused on getting home. he was pretty close to the brothspital, able to see the roof of it in the distance, but the clouds above him were seemingly getting angrier and angrier. it wasn’t a good idea for rav to get stuck out in the rain for long periods of time so he tried to quicken his stride, thumping across the grassy field and smelling the scent of incoming rain in the wind. the droplets began, a few plopping against rav’s head, cold. they feel like little flicks against his skin from somebody pestering him, and he wonders if some higher power is making fun of him wherever they are. he can’t blame them, really, because he feels like such a sad state of affairs at the moment.

the rain is pounding harder, thundering clouds angry from some unseen force, and rav is starting to feel a little muddy, the way your head swims when you have a fever. he slipped on a patch of wet dirt but regained his balance, finally climbing the crest of the hill that lead to the brothspital. what rav saw made a pit in his stomach, like something had reached inside and carved him out. one section of the brothspital was destroyed, the wall caved in like something heavy had fallen into it, charred and burnt. debris was scattered across the ground and thrown into the small waterfall he’d made, which was partly demolished as well. the garden he’d been working so hard on, filled with beautiful flowers he’d collected and replanted, was blown apart, the plants wilted. rav blinked, unable to comprehend what had happened, standing still on the muddy grass. 

something moved in the corner of his vision. he turned to see a creeper walking toward the bottom of the steps he’d made, skittering legs and an expressionless face. with common sense, rav would have known that this creeper didn’t cause the damage, just happened to be in the same place at the same time. however, rav didn’t have the urge to rationalize anything anymore. another home of his was being destroyed. 

it felt like a blur, the motion in which he grabbed his axe and approached the creeper, running down the hill and across the grassy dock. the creeper turned to look at him, oblivious to what was happening, right when rav struck it in the neck.

“i hate you!” he screamed out of pure anger and exhaustion, hair damp and sticking to his forehead from the rain. the creeper hissed, stuttering, too startled to use its defense mechanism, and rav struck it again, slicing across its chest. the creeper screamed, but rav was screaming too.

“i hate you, i hate you-” he repeated with each hack, right up until he struck it in the heart, black ichor splattering against the blade of the axe and on rav’s hands. the axe made a thud as it made contact with the heart, and before rav could scream again, everything went white and blinding. the sound of an explosion met his ears, so loud it felt like his eardrums had burst, the force of the blast hitting him like a freight train as he fell into the sea. the world went quiet.

-

rav has never been this cold before. he feels like his limbs are going into atrophy, stiff and unwilling to bend, but he needs to get warm. rav wonders why he’s not panicking, because he knows that if he doesn’t get warm soon he’s going to  _ die _ , and he assumes the water had frozen his brain. or, maybe, a part of him doesn’t want to get warm. he feels like he can’t move his legs, dragging behind him like useless logs cut from a tree, lifting them just barely to carry himself further. he’s mainly using his arms, grabbing hold of the rock of his front steps and lifting himself up with effort. his body doesn’t want to work with him, and rav is trying as hard as he can not to just give up. nobody is around, and he might just die on the steps leading into his brothspital, alone. 

the thought drives him to continue, despite how badly his body aches and shivers. the rain is pelting even harder than before, like bullets against rav’s back, thunder clapping and flashes of lightning echoing behind him against the clouds. it isn’t helping his current body temperature, but at least he doesn’t have to hear his own shaky breathing and occasional cries. it feels like his internal organs are pumping a little too hard, straining to keep him stable and moving, attempting to find or create as much heat as they could. rav felt sick, like he might vomit, but if he stopped moving, he was sure he’d never make it into the brothspital. he coughed, black smoke coming from his lips, and tried not to think about how scared he actually felt. if he’d made it through the nether, he could do this, right? 

rav reached out a shaky arm and grasped at the step above him, pulling himself upward. his hand slipped. the rocks were slick with rain, and clearly unforgiving, as rav tumbled back down to the bottom, his head conking into one of the stones. he whimpered, his head pounding and now wet with something that didn’t feel like rain. rav attempted to set himself right again, his arms shaky, but he just collapsed back into a ball at the foot of the stairs. the thought crossed his mind again, and this time, disoriented and pained and coughing up smoke, rav didn’t have much hope. he was going to die on these steps. he didn’t even try to stop crying, his face pressed against the wet ground, sobbing as the realization hit him. nobody was here to save him this time. 

rav thinks back to the nether, sitting in his cold, dark cell, counting the ebony bricks for the millionth time. he had the marks memorized, every dent or scratch, every line of mortar, so much so that he could see it when he closed his eyes. he remembers that strange knocking on his window, the friendly face that peeked through. ross offered to take him away, to find a new home where things didn’t have to hurt anymore. for a brief moment, rav almost said ‘no,’ consigned to the mindset everyone had been trying to beat into him. another part of him wondered if this was just a vision before his death, an angel offering to take away the pain. he’d prefer it over this cell anyway. ross broke apart the bars and grabbed onto rav’s hand, pulled him through and ran with him, scaling the walls of the fortress and across the woods before they finally found the portal. 

ross was there for him then, but not now, miles away in the mountains, unaware that rav’s breaths were rattling and his heartbeat felt slower. rav took in another small breath, trying not to panic as he felt his chest grow tight, when he heard something. it wasn’t the pounding of the rain or a clap of thunder, not the soft steps of a cow or a pig, not the scuttling of an oversized spider. it was footsteps. human ones. rav tried to move his head but failed, his body too weak and too cold to move. a voice was coming closer and closer, mumbling something that sounded like “shit” over and over, the tone panicked. caught up in reminiscing on the past and vision blurry from rainwater, rav almost thought he saw ross coming toward him. however, as the figure grew closer, he recognized the familiar beanie and glasses. it was freddie, rav’s best friend. rav felt a surge of life again, attempting to sit up and greet his friend, but his arms were numb. he tried to mumble something but instead fell into a coughing fit, smoke drifting from his lungs.

“holy shit, oh my god, oh my god, rav, what-” freddie cursed, kneeling down next to his friend and surveying the damage. “fuck, you’re bleeding, and...oh my god, rav, what happened?” he asked. rav looked up at freddie, at his fearful expression and glasses beaded with rainwater, and he felt awful for worrying him. freddie didn’t deserve that. rav did his best to say something but he just coughed again, his lungs wheezing, bones aching with the effort.

“fr-f-” 

“rav, stop, you’re just hurting yourself. um...fuck, uh…” freddie smoothed back rav’s hair and pulled back his hand. “god, you’re freezing. shit, um...okay, i’m gonna get you inside.” freddie shifted so his hands were underneath rav, one on his back and another in the crook of his legs, and he lifted him up into the air like he was nothing. rav groaned at the soreness in his limbs, which he hadn’t even comprehended was from the explosion.

“hey, it’s okay. you’re gonna be okay.” freddie said quietly, though it seemed more for himself than for rav. rav just wanted to hug freddie and tell him everything was going to be okay, but he couldn’t feel anything, and that just made him cry even harder. freddie glanced at him with pity, carefully carrying him up the brothspital steps and opening up the rosewood door to step inside. the warmth of the brothspital hit rav almost as hard as the explosion had and he took in a wheezing breath, his eyes a little less drowsy as he blinked them back open.

“fr-freddie-” he coughed out, shifting against his friend’s chest, feeling his heart beat fast through his ribs.

“yeah?” he asked, blinking at rav with curiosity.

“i...n-need to get...warm.” he spoke slowly and cautiously, trying not to initiate another coughing fit. freddie nodded in understanding, quiet for a moment as he tried to think about what to do. 

“okay...okay. stay here.” freddie set him down against the wall. “i’m gonna get some blankets, okay?” he went off to one of the brothspital’s four rooms, which, to be honest, was more of a house than a hospital. rav looked around at the environment he’d been spending so much time on, the large hole in the wall that the creeper had created, rainwater dripping onto the floor in a small puddle. rav had to fix that soon so nothing could get inside, but the thought made him so, so tired. he looked at his hands in his lap, fingers twitching as he started to get feeling in his hands. maybe he wasn’t going to die after all. freddie returned almost immediately with fresh clothes, a lantern, and a pile of blankets, the clothing woolen and soft.

“we need to get you out of those clothes. they’ll only make you feel colder.” freddie kneeled down and set the supplies aside, examining the wound on rav’s head. “shit. i’ll fix that too.” he managed to help rav strip off the kimono, t-shirt, and shorts that had been sticking to rav’s skin, damp and cold, set aside in a different pile. freddie turned around to give rav his privacy as he changed into a new pair of boxers, and he turned back around to help him into a warm pair of sweatpants and a sweater. by now, after warming his hands by the lantern, rav could now feel and move his limbs again, but he was still shivering. he grabbed onto the blankets freddie had brought in, which smelled of lavender, and wrapped them tightly around himself, burying his face in the fabric. freddie had gone to retrieve a first aid kit and returned, smiling.

“you look like a burrito in that thing.” he sat down, cross-legged, opening up the kit at his feet. rav smiled weakly but didn’t say anything, hugging the lantern close. he picked out a healing solution and a small cloth, dousing it in the substance and scooting closer so their knees were touching.

“how did you fall in the water?” he asks, obviously to take away from the pain of the disinfectant. rav winced. the question comes with a lot of baggage on his part, and he doesn’t feel like explaining it all, at least not now. freddie would ask why he hadn’t just reached out himself, why he subjected himself to such loneliness when he was only a letter away. rav mentally kicked himself for forgetting how many people actually cared about him.

“a creeper blew up the wall.” he glances over at it again, frowning at how out of place it is, like an open mouth. “i saw another one and tried to kill it before it exploded. fuckin’ knocked me into the ocean.” he picks at a hangnail, squeezing harder whenever the disinfectant burns. freddie mumbles apologies and rav can hear that he really does mean them, not some tactic to try and get him on his side. the fact that his brain has to jump through all those mental hoops is exhausting, analyzing someone’s tone so he can tell whether or not they mean well.

“god, i’m sorry. i wish i was here.” freddie pulled back, the cloth covered in dark blood. rav felt sick.

“it’s okay. was my fault for thinking i could take it.” he didn’t know what else to say, didn’t want to appear as a fool. his head was pounding where the wound stung, and he was afraid to touch it, unsure of how deep it went. it could be a fucking crater of a dent for all he knew. freddie rustled through the kit, pulling out a bandage and some gauze. he set the lantern aside so he could scoot closer, sitting on his knees so rav was facing his chest.

“i’m gonna stay with you for a few days.” freddie said as he applied the bandage and slowly wrapped the gauze around rav’s head, careful to not mess it up with his own shaking hands. “i’m freaked out that you have a concussion or something. plus, there’s a giant fuckin’ hole in the wall.” his tone of voice made rav giggle, his shoulders rising with his laugh. it was followed up by a cough of black smoke from his lungs, but the cloud was smaller this time.

“you have a point, freddie.” he went quiet, fiddling with his hands before sticking them back underneath the comforter. “thanks. for giving me the bandage and all that stuff. if you hadn’t found me, i probably would’ve-”

“stop.” freddie interrupts, sitting back down to his level and facing him, blue eyes unblinking. rav chews on his lip on nervous instinct.

“but-”

“stop.” he repeats. “you’re okay now, and that’s all that matters.” rav knows why freddie doesn’t want him to talk about it and he understands, nodding his head. the thought of rav being in danger, let alone  _ dead _ , scares freddie so bad that rav can visibly see his breathing get quicker, his face dropping ever so slightly. rav just feels guilt, like he wants to protect freddie from every bad thought he’ll ever come across. but, then again, the logical part of rav reminds himself that it’s physically impossible. the most he can do is let freddie know he’s here and alive and safe. freddie takes a seat next to him, their arms brushing, and rav grabs ahold of the lantern again, cradling it in his lap. 

“what were you doing on your way over here, anyway?” rav asks, curious. freddie shrugs, crossing his arms against his chest.

“was worried about you after not talking to you for so long.” he shrugs, glancing at rav. “i was gonna ask if you needed help or wanted to go fishing or something. i guess i was right about the first part.”

“i’m sorry.” rav mumbles, and he feels like he wants to cry again. freddie shakes his head.

“dude, you don’t have to apologize. i know it’s easy for you to get distracted and you forget to reach out, i’m not angry at you for that. in fact, i’m not angry with you at all.” he adds on the last part for good measure, and rav wants to cry even more at how refreshing it feels to have someone tell him they aren’t upset with him. it’s not normal for him.

“thanks.” he doesn’t want to say more due to the giant lump in his throat, so he just takes in a deep breath and leans into his best friend. his shoulder feels so warm against rav’s ear, warmer than the lantern even, and rav is content with how freddie leans into him as well. rav doesn’t realize how quiet the brothspital is until there’s no longer the sound of his and freddie’s voices, just the rainfall outside, pounding the roof and the windows. it’s calming, to finally be safe and away from the fear and anxiety of the rain, to quell his thoughts for a little while. and, as he sits and listens to the outside world, raging against his little sea of solace, he knows what he has to do next. rav has to write a letter.

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me what u thought!! hope u enjoyed <33


End file.
